It's NOT all about me???

Today we return to The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Specifically, the second agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

Wait a minute...how can I not take things personally? The world revolves around me. Right?? Because we are the center of our own experiences, sometimes it feels that way.

And Lord knows I fall prey to these beliefs. Often. Have just recently been doing some "empirical research" on this very topic, in fact...which is a nice way of looking at some pretty serious communication issues I've been finding my way through. And what have I learned? That when I take things personally, it has devastating consequences on my relationships. 

Ruiz speaks of personal importance. This is the belief, which we all hold to some degree or another, that it’s all about me. We’re taught this from a very young age, as a part of our socialization, or what Ruiz would call “domestication.” We’re taught to take everything personally. That we’re responsible for not only our actions, but also how people respond or react to us. You hurt his feelings. You can’t do that! What will people think? There are many, many examples of how this agreement is woven into our culture. We’re taught that others know more than we do. Even that others know us better than we know ourselves!

But there are consequences to taking things personally. It can cause us to shut down from our interaction with others. It can cause a great deal of emotional pain, and create a devastating blow to our self-esteem. It causes us to tap-dance to the music of others, rather than listen to our own inner song.

We’re given the choice to take things personally or not with literally each interaction we have with another person. Often we only think of not taking the negative stuff personally. Most of us are familiar with this, and practice it to at least some degree. The experience of being spoken to in a harsh or judgmental or negative way typically evokes a strong emotional response. A strong, unpleasant emotional response, one that we do not care to take in. Often it's easy to see that it's not about us.

The truth of it is, when words are spoken by another person, they are ALWAYS coming through that person’s mental and emotional filter. It is ALWAYS about them. When these words “land” in us, it’s because we believe them. We, on some level, agree with them. So, if someone says something negative to you, notice it. But don’t take it in. Don’t take it on. With practice, this can become relatively easy.

Far more invisible and more seductive are the positive comments. The times when someone tells you how absolutely amazing you are. These words make us feel good. We swell with pride. The words evoke a strong emotional response, and it is most definitely not unpleasant. An emotional response that we wouldn’t mind having repeated, again and again. What do we do with those comments? We take them personally. We take them in. We believe them, and yes – we agree with them. They nourish us, fill us up.

On one hand, that is very beautiful. On the other hand, though, there lies the risk of getting pulled out of our authentic expression. We are humans – animals, really. And just like Pavlov’s dogs, who were trained to perform certain behaviors with the reward of food, we can end up in a feedback loop of behaviors designed to garner us more of that feel-great validation from others. Before we know it, we’re like a marionette, with others pulling the strings and we’re dancing like mad, trying to elicit those feel-good comments. But is it really our dance?

So the challenge before us with this second agreement is to take NOTHING personally. The good, the bad, the ugly. When we can find that place of inner balance, only then can we begin to move from the core of our authentic self, with our actions emerging from within. 

Notice your dance in these coming days. How do you respond to all of the external messages you receive each day? How can you make a different choice, one that affirms your deepest truth and knowing, rather than what others think of you or expect from you? 

And slowly, choice by choice, day by day, we journey our way back to our authentic selves.

Oh, my Word!

I recently re-read a favorite book of mine, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a book I've read again and again, and each time it reminds me of how important it is to pay attention to how I'm living my life. I thought it might be fun to explore each of the four agreements, and how to walk with them in our day-to-day lives.

The first agreement is Be Impeccable with Your Word. Now, we hear all kinds of cautions about this concept in our daily lives: Be careful what you ask for. Watch your mouth, young lady (man)! If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Any of these sound familiar? These cautions call attention to the impact of the spoken word. But what does it mean to be impeccable with your word?

On an energetic level, words are incredibly powerful. Words bring your thoughts and emotions into form; it's sort of like they crystallize energy in your field. Words are, in reality, how we create our reality. When we speak words, our ideas become real-ized. This is no small thing.

Consequently, being mindful, or impeccable, with our words is hugely important. For one thing, once we've spoken words, there really is no taking them back. Often we'll hear someone say "I didn't mean what I said." Well, personally, I don't buy this. I think we always mean what we say. Where did the words come from if they didn't come from within our thoughts, our emotions? Maybe we didn't mean to speak them out loud - and often, it's better if we don't. But words always come from within us. And, once spoken, words of impact will seldom be forgotten. You may be forgiven for what you said, but that impact lingers.

All the more reason to carefully consider our words before we speak them. Of course, we have a wide range of thoughts, emotions, reactions that run inside of us. As humans, it's sort of how we're wired. And, we also have the ability to consider our words before they come out of our mouth. To consider the impact. To consider what we're creating with our words.

One of the most common, and perhaps most careless and damaging, negative use of words is gossip. Think about how it feels when you know someone is gossiping about you. Speaking judgments and assumptions out into the field about you (more on this when we talk about the second agreement, Don't Take Anything Personally). Doesn't feel so great, right?

Now think about how it feels when you are gossiping about someone else. It's so easy to get pulled into this type of conversation. It's become a social thing in our culture, to talk about others (more on this when we talk about the third agreement, Don't Make Assumptions). But, for me, it never feels good to gossip about others. I feel a little sick to my stomach. It never feels right. I think of my mother's words, which are a legacy she passed down to me that left an enormous impact: never treat others in a way you wouldn't want to be treated.

This is not to say that we have to become so trapped we feel we can't speak! Ruiz makes the distinction between repressing our words, which happens when we're afraid to say what we want to say, and growing the ability to refrain, or to be in control of our words. To refrain is to hold the emotions and to express them in the right moment. To do our own inner work, rather than project our yuck all over someone else. To think, and feel, and honor ourselves and others before we speak.

Is this a process to perfection? No way. We are human. We are learning each and every moment. It's definitely a process, though. It's a process to pay attention to how we're showing up in our lives. To pay attention to our words, what we're crystallizing into the field. And, all we can do is our best (which just so happens to be the fourth agreement, Always Do Your Best. More on that later...).

So, just for today, pay attention to your words. Pay attention to the words of those around you. Notice how they feel as they enter the field around you. Begin to notice their power. Play with the energy of your words, knowing that you are the master, you are always in control of the energy you're putting into the field.

And maybe you'll want to continue this play tomorrow, and the next day...