Don't Make Up #%&*!

I'm finally returning to The Four Agreements...had I known that I was going to "live" each of these agreements before I could write about them, I may have reconsidered! It's been an interesting, worthwhile process, however, and I'm hoping to nudge you down a similar path.

Today we're looking into the third agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements. The third agreement is Don't Make Assumptions. Or, as I like to paraphrase it, Don't Make Up #%&*!

This agreement is inextricably linked to the first two agreements. We make an assumption about something someone is doing or thinking when we take it personally (the second agreement). Then we often either blame them, and send our negative assumptions to them with our word, or we share those assumptions with another person in the form of gossip (the first agreement). It all comes together into one big ball of toxic goo. When we allow our mind to make up shit (okay, I'm going to use the real word here, instead of #%&!. We're all grown ups...), we can enter a mental spin where we're quite sure we have it all figured out, but it is not at all based in reality. This is a dangerous spin, because the problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.

Ruiz makes the following statement: "All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally." Wow, just think about those words for a moment. When we take something personally, and start to make up stories about the other person's intentions, we become invested in our version of "truth." We become convinced we are right, build a case, share it (gossip) with others. All of this instead of simply asking for clarification. Why is that such a hard thing to do?

We have been taught, in multiple ways, that it is not safe to ask questions. When we ask questions, we're showing up authentically as who we are, and that can feel risky. We're afraid others will judge us, victimize us, think we're a bit dense.

Instead, we've been taught this collective story that those who love us should know what we want, what we feel. We assume that others view the world the way we do, think the way we think, feel the way we fee, judge the way we judge.

Often we see only what we want to see about our loved ones - we build a case for why we love them, and ignore (or worse, think we can change) those things about them that we don't like. If we really see and accept the truth of who they are, sometimes it can shake the foundations of our connection with them. Sadness and drama? You bet.

The way you stop making assumptions is to ask questions. Why have we come to believe it's not safe to ask questions? My recent experience revealed a real "gem" to me. I didn't feel safe to ask the questions because I didn't want to hear the truth. I'd made up an entire story about someone, and when the questions arose, I just made up more shit to cover them. Because I knew if I asked the questions, I would not like the truth of it. But the truth is there, under the surface, always. Only when we get tired of the tap-dance, when we get tired of living in a made-up world in which no one can really be themselves, are we ready to see that truth.

There are countless ways we dance this dance in our day-to-day lives, from a quick pass of judgement of the panhandler on the street, to the clipped communication of a co-worker, to the silence of a spouse when we're in the mood to talk.

A long time ago, someone taught me a phrase which I keep in my "tool kit" as an opener to asking questions. She suggested starting with these words: "There's something I want to check out with you..." These words (when I make the choice to use them) have been so helpful in just starting the conversation. Often...most times...the story I'd made up was way, way off base. And the only way I found out was to ask.

So when you don't understand something, ask. Be brave. Then you don't have to make assumptions, because everything will be clear. You can step out of the trap of taking things personally. Your word becomes impeccable, because everything becomes so clear. It's worth doing.

It's NOT all about me???

Today we return to The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Specifically, the second agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

Wait a minute...how can I not take things personally? The world revolves around me. Right?? Because we are the center of our own experiences, sometimes it feels that way.

And Lord knows I fall prey to these beliefs. Often. Have just recently been doing some "empirical research" on this very topic, in fact...which is a nice way of looking at some pretty serious communication issues I've been finding my way through. And what have I learned? That when I take things personally, it has devastating consequences on my relationships. 

Ruiz speaks of personal importance. This is the belief, which we all hold to some degree or another, that it’s all about me. We’re taught this from a very young age, as a part of our socialization, or what Ruiz would call “domestication.” We’re taught to take everything personally. That we’re responsible for not only our actions, but also how people respond or react to us. You hurt his feelings. You can’t do that! What will people think? There are many, many examples of how this agreement is woven into our culture. We’re taught that others know more than we do. Even that others know us better than we know ourselves!

But there are consequences to taking things personally. It can cause us to shut down from our interaction with others. It can cause a great deal of emotional pain, and create a devastating blow to our self-esteem. It causes us to tap-dance to the music of others, rather than listen to our own inner song.

We’re given the choice to take things personally or not with literally each interaction we have with another person. Often we only think of not taking the negative stuff personally. Most of us are familiar with this, and practice it to at least some degree. The experience of being spoken to in a harsh or judgmental or negative way typically evokes a strong emotional response. A strong, unpleasant emotional response, one that we do not care to take in. Often it's easy to see that it's not about us.

The truth of it is, when words are spoken by another person, they are ALWAYS coming through that person’s mental and emotional filter. It is ALWAYS about them. When these words “land” in us, it’s because we believe them. We, on some level, agree with them. So, if someone says something negative to you, notice it. But don’t take it in. Don’t take it on. With practice, this can become relatively easy.

Far more invisible and more seductive are the positive comments. The times when someone tells you how absolutely amazing you are. These words make us feel good. We swell with pride. The words evoke a strong emotional response, and it is most definitely not unpleasant. An emotional response that we wouldn’t mind having repeated, again and again. What do we do with those comments? We take them personally. We take them in. We believe them, and yes – we agree with them. They nourish us, fill us up.

On one hand, that is very beautiful. On the other hand, though, there lies the risk of getting pulled out of our authentic expression. We are humans – animals, really. And just like Pavlov’s dogs, who were trained to perform certain behaviors with the reward of food, we can end up in a feedback loop of behaviors designed to garner us more of that feel-great validation from others. Before we know it, we’re like a marionette, with others pulling the strings and we’re dancing like mad, trying to elicit those feel-good comments. But is it really our dance?

So the challenge before us with this second agreement is to take NOTHING personally. The good, the bad, the ugly. When we can find that place of inner balance, only then can we begin to move from the core of our authentic self, with our actions emerging from within. 

Notice your dance in these coming days. How do you respond to all of the external messages you receive each day? How can you make a different choice, one that affirms your deepest truth and knowing, rather than what others think of you or expect from you? 

And slowly, choice by choice, day by day, we journey our way back to our authentic selves.