It's NOT all about me???

Today we return to The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. Specifically, the second agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

Wait a minute...how can I not take things personally? The world revolves around me. Right?? Because we are the center of our own experiences, sometimes it feels that way.

And Lord knows I fall prey to these beliefs. Often. Have just recently been doing some "empirical research" on this very topic, in fact...which is a nice way of looking at some pretty serious communication issues I've been finding my way through. And what have I learned? That when I take things personally, it has devastating consequences on my relationships. 

Ruiz speaks of personal importance. This is the belief, which we all hold to some degree or another, that it’s all about me. We’re taught this from a very young age, as a part of our socialization, or what Ruiz would call “domestication.” We’re taught to take everything personally. That we’re responsible for not only our actions, but also how people respond or react to us. You hurt his feelings. You can’t do that! What will people think? There are many, many examples of how this agreement is woven into our culture. We’re taught that others know more than we do. Even that others know us better than we know ourselves!

But there are consequences to taking things personally. It can cause us to shut down from our interaction with others. It can cause a great deal of emotional pain, and create a devastating blow to our self-esteem. It causes us to tap-dance to the music of others, rather than listen to our own inner song.

We’re given the choice to take things personally or not with literally each interaction we have with another person. Often we only think of not taking the negative stuff personally. Most of us are familiar with this, and practice it to at least some degree. The experience of being spoken to in a harsh or judgmental or negative way typically evokes a strong emotional response. A strong, unpleasant emotional response, one that we do not care to take in. Often it's easy to see that it's not about us.

The truth of it is, when words are spoken by another person, they are ALWAYS coming through that person’s mental and emotional filter. It is ALWAYS about them. When these words “land” in us, it’s because we believe them. We, on some level, agree with them. So, if someone says something negative to you, notice it. But don’t take it in. Don’t take it on. With practice, this can become relatively easy.

Far more invisible and more seductive are the positive comments. The times when someone tells you how absolutely amazing you are. These words make us feel good. We swell with pride. The words evoke a strong emotional response, and it is most definitely not unpleasant. An emotional response that we wouldn’t mind having repeated, again and again. What do we do with those comments? We take them personally. We take them in. We believe them, and yes – we agree with them. They nourish us, fill us up.

On one hand, that is very beautiful. On the other hand, though, there lies the risk of getting pulled out of our authentic expression. We are humans – animals, really. And just like Pavlov’s dogs, who were trained to perform certain behaviors with the reward of food, we can end up in a feedback loop of behaviors designed to garner us more of that feel-great validation from others. Before we know it, we’re like a marionette, with others pulling the strings and we’re dancing like mad, trying to elicit those feel-good comments. But is it really our dance?

So the challenge before us with this second agreement is to take NOTHING personally. The good, the bad, the ugly. When we can find that place of inner balance, only then can we begin to move from the core of our authentic self, with our actions emerging from within. 

Notice your dance in these coming days. How do you respond to all of the external messages you receive each day? How can you make a different choice, one that affirms your deepest truth and knowing, rather than what others think of you or expect from you? 

And slowly, choice by choice, day by day, we journey our way back to our authentic selves.