Don't Make Up #%&*!

I'm finally returning to The Four Agreements...had I known that I was going to "live" each of these agreements before I could write about them, I may have reconsidered! It's been an interesting, worthwhile process, however, and I'm hoping to nudge you down a similar path.

Today we're looking into the third agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements. The third agreement is Don't Make Assumptions. Or, as I like to paraphrase it, Don't Make Up #%&*!

This agreement is inextricably linked to the first two agreements. We make an assumption about something someone is doing or thinking when we take it personally (the second agreement). Then we often either blame them, and send our negative assumptions to them with our word, or we share those assumptions with another person in the form of gossip (the first agreement). It all comes together into one big ball of toxic goo. When we allow our mind to make up shit (okay, I'm going to use the real word here, instead of #%&!. We're all grown ups...), we can enter a mental spin where we're quite sure we have it all figured out, but it is not at all based in reality. This is a dangerous spin, because the problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.

Ruiz makes the following statement: "All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally." Wow, just think about those words for a moment. When we take something personally, and start to make up stories about the other person's intentions, we become invested in our version of "truth." We become convinced we are right, build a case, share it (gossip) with others. All of this instead of simply asking for clarification. Why is that such a hard thing to do?

We have been taught, in multiple ways, that it is not safe to ask questions. When we ask questions, we're showing up authentically as who we are, and that can feel risky. We're afraid others will judge us, victimize us, think we're a bit dense.

Instead, we've been taught this collective story that those who love us should know what we want, what we feel. We assume that others view the world the way we do, think the way we think, feel the way we fee, judge the way we judge.

Often we see only what we want to see about our loved ones - we build a case for why we love them, and ignore (or worse, think we can change) those things about them that we don't like. If we really see and accept the truth of who they are, sometimes it can shake the foundations of our connection with them. Sadness and drama? You bet.

The way you stop making assumptions is to ask questions. Why have we come to believe it's not safe to ask questions? My recent experience revealed a real "gem" to me. I didn't feel safe to ask the questions because I didn't want to hear the truth. I'd made up an entire story about someone, and when the questions arose, I just made up more shit to cover them. Because I knew if I asked the questions, I would not like the truth of it. But the truth is there, under the surface, always. Only when we get tired of the tap-dance, when we get tired of living in a made-up world in which no one can really be themselves, are we ready to see that truth.

There are countless ways we dance this dance in our day-to-day lives, from a quick pass of judgement of the panhandler on the street, to the clipped communication of a co-worker, to the silence of a spouse when we're in the mood to talk.

A long time ago, someone taught me a phrase which I keep in my "tool kit" as an opener to asking questions. She suggested starting with these words: "There's something I want to check out with you..." These words (when I make the choice to use them) have been so helpful in just starting the conversation. Often...most times...the story I'd made up was way, way off base. And the only way I found out was to ask.

So when you don't understand something, ask. Be brave. Then you don't have to make assumptions, because everything will be clear. You can step out of the trap of taking things personally. Your word becomes impeccable, because everything becomes so clear. It's worth doing.